hello!
this post is about my life over the past year, roughly ordered by how much I think others might be interested in them:
- sharing specific ideas or creations that have brought me joy
- reflections on psychological brain shapes that have helped or harmed me
- summary of what I've been doing
- realistic new year's goals for creative & personal fulfillment
my goal in writing this post is to celebrate my 2025 and solidify some exciting and practical ambitions for 2026.
my goal in publishing this post is to "show my process" for others looking for inspiration in their own creative / mental health journeys, plus some accountability for myself. i'm a fan of radical transparency, i think it's very helpful in breaking down the myth of "super" people. i'm literally just a girl
oh i'm adding some of my favorite pictures from my year throughout, just to make you scroll even more :)
MAGFest 2025
things to share
mental tools
- Before Breakfast podcast
- I listen daily during my morning routine. Laura Vanderkam has the right kind of advice for my brain - plan well, focus on practical persistent systems, drop what doesn't work.
- time tracking
- I've started categorizing my work hours into 15-minute blocks on a spreadsheet - comms, meetings, plan, chore, focus, social, support, growth. the data-based accountability and clarity has helped me a lot.
- you could log in a paper/digital journal, or copy from my spreadsheet, or copy the one from Before Breakfast host Laura Vanderkam, or whatever works for you!
- routines
- I figured out that routines work well for me, so now I have a few routines I can check off, at varying consistencies:
- morning routine - shower, clothes, pets, breakfast, podcast, tea, reading/learning
- morning planning - schedule for today & tomorrow, set alarms, process messages, text people plans
- life admin - journal, messages, budgeting, misc. tasks
- evening routine - body, journal, reflection, crafts/reading
- journaling
- I tend to journal in 2 ways:
- recover from mania: stream-of-consciousness brain dump, then plan & orient towards the immediate focus
- log of activities today up until now
- so often I ask myself, "what the heck did I do earlier?". journaling helps me answer that question, and even change my habits over time for the better.
- I tend to journal in 2 ways:
- therapy
- as someone who has social anxiety yet likes talking a lot about myself, it's really great to just pay somebody to talk with me
- transition zone
- I'm perpetually late to things. I have ADHD trouble getting started on things, so once I'm started I tend to maintain momentum until "a good stopping point", even at the cost of other plans. for a long time I've thought "why would I stop doing X before 12pm if Y only starts at 12pm?".
- recently I've been shifting this to the idea of a "transition zone":
- 15 minute period where I don't plan to be doing X or Y
- i'm allowed to continue doing X, but try my best not to start any new part of X
- i have a bother alarm that goes off at minute 0. i can do a 5m snooze 3 times by tapping it, but I can only dismiss it if I type in the name of the alarm. the name is something like "I'm moving towards Y".
- this has been fairly helpful! I have transition zones for:
- waking up (actually this one is only 2 snoozes)
- 12pm - 12:15 eating lunch
- 12:45 - 1pm getting back to work
- 5:45 - 6pm stopping work
- 10pm - 10:30pm (2x 15m snooze) wrap up evening activities for bed prep
- weekly / ad-hoc for other events or appointments
affirmations
these are a big one for me. I speak these out to myself most mornings. I've rewritten a few different versions; these are the ones I have right now:
- I pride myself on being an empathetic, intentional, mindful, diligent person always striving for self-improvement.
- i have fucking incredible technical skills, creative ideas, empathetic abilities, and a hot sexy capable body.
- i have the power to create fantastic things, make peoples' lives happier, and change the world.
- I'm incredibly grateful to live this life full of so many joys:
- music, technology, society, love, stories, games, nature, food, people, art, ...
- I remind myself these fun things I can do:
- walk, Qigong, pet cats, text & call people, post on socials, practice instruments (w/ music), ...
- I have so many inspirations to create energy:
- creative projects, music, friends, teaching & learning, fun events, ...
- I hold these mantras dear:
- Now is good
- I can work with this
- I'd rather be done & have fun
- Drop the clutter
- I choose to hold a balance of radical acceptance for the past, and radical drive for the future.
- I recognize that I cannot pet every cat, and that trying to do a lot without realistic planning will inevitably cause hurt and disappointment to myself and my loved ones.
- I have the power to do hard things, create momentum, and feel great from getting things done, even when it feels difficult.
- I want to spend my downtime in effective recovery - creative projects, inspiring media, relaxing activities, and quality time with loved ones.
- I resolve to master my habits and deepen my skill as the fuel for a truly free and joyful life.
- so with all of that said, i choose to embrace the day with empathy, intention, and drive in everything I do.
music
stuff I found in 2025, not just released this year
- Patricia Taxxon
- I discovered Patricia Taxxon in November 2024. she immediately became my favorite musical artist. her combination of weird harmonic changes, highly tuned synths, experimental percussion, and layered building grooves hits just right for me.
- based on my last.fm stats (lower bound) and some napkin math, over 2025 I've listened to her music for somewhere around 7-8k hours.
- top album recs, from "chillest" to "harshest":
- Venetian Snares - Rossz Csillag Alatt Született
- a 2005 breakbeat/baroque classic, but I only found it this year. highly rec'd if you're a weird fusion head like me
- Vylet Pony - Girls Who Are Wizards
- okay yes this is brony-inspired dubstep, it won't be everybody's cup of tea
- but it's so fucking good!! seriously, if you listen to one track, try Creature City (upbeat swing with chiptune and synth-bass, weird vocaloid and samples, and a blissful thick synth chorus)
- sewerslvt & Cynthoni
- it's the transfem breakbeat disassociation producer, what do you want from me
- don't worry i've started listening to machine girl too, just not as much
- Sullivan King and Subtronics for some other good dubstep/EDM
- deadmau5 - Clockwork hits really hard for someone as obsessed with music theory as me
- Thaehan - Somewhere Out There is a really cute chill chiptune/lofi EP
- aivi & surasshu
- they are the duo who did the soundtrack for my favorite show, Steven Universe. I really really love their 2 independent chiptune/piano albums!
- I had the privilege of seeing them live at MAGFest 2026 ^-^
- ida deerz - idaidaida II
- furry fusion hyperpop, came on autoplay on a road trip after some other weird music shit I had on
- specifically the track make it make sense is such a catchy 2-measure loop
- igorrr
- as someone who absolutely fucks with pryapisme, igorrr's unique fusion of metal/breakbeat/classical makes my brain go brrr.
- rec'd by emkultra64
- femtanyl - CHASER
- honestly i'm kinda surprised I didn't listen to femtanyl earlier
- it makes me want to scream until my vocal cords liquefy and bite someone very very hard
- i'm excited to see them tour in April 2026!!
i've also used music a lot for emotional self-regulation. here are some playlists you might enjoy: - get up, feel good: YouTube, YT Music, Apple Music, Spotify - chill steven universe OST: Apple Music, Spotify - mel's lofi & chill: Apple Music, Spotify and some other more groove-focused playlists. generally Apple Music will have more as I only sometimes sync out to spotify: - ethereal: Apple Music, Spotify - galvanized electronica EDM: Apple Music, Spotify - kawaii bass funk EDM: Apple Music, Spotify - retro-futuristic electronica: Apple Music, Spotify - many others on Apple Music or Spotify
tech tools
- Obsidian - digital writing tool, markdown-based, community plugins. where I do my daily journal, reflections, blog post drafting, etc. probably between 1-2 hours a day across the year.
- Excalidraw - pretty great accessible tool for any quick sketches. it even has an obsidian plugin!
- Firefox with Sidebery tree-based tabs. click-through links open nested underneath the tab they came from. I can arbitrarily nest and group tabs any way I want. as someone who has way too many tabs for her own good, this extension lets me take my insanity (and memory consumption) to much greater heights :)
- TickTick - task management app I've found to work best. I have tags and custom filters that work better than any other system for the way my brain thinks about todos.
- karabiner-elements - basically AutoHotKey for MacOS. I've replaced my CAPS lock key as a modifier key with a slowly-expanding set of navigation and app-switching hotkeys. thank you Andrew for the push!
- terminal stuff:
psychology reflections
i've found a few big words helpful this year. i wonder if they'll create good brain shapes for you too.
radical acceptance
i have the kind of gifted kid burnout that makes any perceived disruption or failure feel like it'd take this herculean amount of effort to "fix". like every missed expectation adds to an ever-growing pile of debt I owe back to the world in late nights and profuse apologies. it's this feeling of overwhelm that often drives me to productive procrastination (on the wrong thing), escapism, and abandonment of larger life goals.
i've centered on one main idea to counter these thoughts: radical acceptance - the idea that i will just accept any present situation I'm in, learn from the past but not anguish over it, and focus most on what I can choose to do right now to improve my life one second and one minute at a time.
taking a bit from a previous set of affirmations:
i radically accept with an open heart this chaotic and imperfect life, exactly as it is right now, with an air of whimsy, curiosity, and excitement. I choose to leave behind the anguish of perfectionism. I choose to let go of any feelings of being behind. I am where I am now, and I'll be okay. The most important thing is to take care of myself to set up for a good, fun day. I recognize that I cannot pet every cat, and that trying to do a lot without realistic planning will inevitably cause hurt and disappointment to myself and my loved ones. i remember that slack time is not wasted. i remind myself to hold new ideas in conflict with existing plans by default, be skeptical of assumptions & influences, and consider my time as scarce and precious.
I also associate this idea with absurdism and the Hindu idea of Lila or "play". I've mostly learned about Lila from this incredible CJ the X video, highly recommend watching in full: 6 Shapes of God. (also that link sneaks in a quote from the previous section: "Life is action. Life is a joy only when action is a joy.) this human life of mine is so complicated and miniscule and inexplicable. for whatever it means to talk about "the qualia of my subjective experience in life", i seem to feel happy when i think thoughts and do things that release certain chemicals in my neurology. so why obsess and beat myself up about delivering a work project later than I was hoping? sure, it's important to try to get better at that over time, but is the dooming and spiraling doing much to put happy chemicals in my brain in any short or long-term capacity? wouldn't I be better off just disconnecting, doing something purely fun, and trying again in an hour or a day?
effective recovery
during October and November, I was pushing myself hard to observe & improve the way I spent my time at work, to fix some work-life balance problems and difficulties with consistency at work. looking back, I think I was in a state of mild ADHD burnout from August onwards. there were a few contributing factors - difficult experiences at work, packing my schedule with events and projects instead of downtime, and any actual downtime being taken over by procrastination or dopamine-binging.
on Dec 2025, one of the daily Before Breakfast podcast episodes brought up this concept of effective recovery. I thought, "yes, this is a major important thing I'm lacking." I decided for this winter break that I really needed some solid time fully disconnected from job work and life admin. I spent a lot of time around my girlfriend, watched a cool show (Steins;Gate), worked on my creative projects a bit for some fulfillment, played some games, and generally just "felt okay not doing Big things" for a while.
it has done wonders for me. lo and behold, taking breaks is helpful for mental health. so often I get caught up in this tug-of-war between accomplishment and escapism, I don't often leave space for actual rejuvenating downtime. it's very hard for me to accept that I just don't have time to do something. slowly, one burnout cycle at a time, I'm learning that downtime isn't just a waste or a trigger for addictive dopamine-binging to strike. instead it can be really fun relaxing things, like practicing songs I already know just to make myself happy, or assembling simple little crafts projects, or just cuddling with my cats while listening to some new music.
reinforced fragility
another term from that notable Before Breakfast podcast episode is "reinforcing fragility". these are patterns, thoughts, expectations, structures in our life that regularly trigger or remind us of feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness, or shame.
in my efforts to do more, I often end up triggering this reaction:
- when I fill my task list with a bunch of tasks marked "today", and I get daily reminders on how many of them are "overdue", I get a persistent feeling that I'm not doing enough.
- when I fill my calendar with a bunch of "tentative" events I likely won't have time for, I get the feeling that I'm missing out.
- when I expect myself to always be confident and resilient, any legitimate challenges or disruptions turn a productive tension into a negative spiral.
- when I believe I can only do hard things when my routines and systems make them easy, I actually generate an excuse to not do things at all because my systems aren't perfect. (see one of my favorite blog posts, the gen z resilience drought)
i'm trying to switch these habits (and others) to reinforce empowerment, not fragility:
- lowering priorities and delaying dates on tasks I enter into my task list.
- writing ideas instead in my daily journal, knowing I might not get to them and forget them, being okay with that.
- leaving more slack time on my calendar, so I get to choose what to do with that time.
- replacing "it should happen consistently" with "I can consistently take one next step"
- reminding myself: I can do hard things, I'll feel much better when it's done.
play it slow first, then faster over time. set realistic goals, and expand them just a bit one day at a time. unrealistic expectations are everywhere, but the skill of identifying them is itself something I can get better at over time, one day at a time. I'm certainly better at it than I used to be. I'm not perfect, but I don't have to be. a bit of progress on its own feels pretty great.
community over discipline
i've tried so much to just optimize my mental flaws away with systems (calendar, journal, task list, alarms, ...) and routines and so many things. they have been very helpful. but a lot of things are just a lot easier around people.
instead of expecting yourself to do everything on your own, maybe try getting some friends to do it with you. might be a lil easier, iunno
what have i been doing?
creative stuff
- this blog! 9 posts across this first year, including 5 in August (and none since then...)
- harmonimation: started ~weekly dev streams on Jan 19 2025, persisted to make the demo in June, and rebuilt animation infrastructure in Godot
- YouTube: a TDOV/April Fools video, a demo for harmonimation, and a karaoke performance recorded by a friend
- music:
- started going to Triangle VGM jams; got better at bass from jamming there
- 4 new piano arrangements/transcriptions on musescore, and probably a few others I edited after original upload
- joined a "Month of Tune" group with inspiration each day to make music; ended up making 2 demos!
- received a le grand strum as a birthday gift, got comfortable & been having a lot of fun with it ^-^
- got pretty decent at my Otamatone from fooling around in random social settings
self-expression
- took lotsa very cool pictures on my instagram and bluesky!
- pretty consistently assembled new pieces and looks, added accessories, tried new makeup
- in particular I'm proud of:
- experimenting with more weird vibrant makeup
- my battle blazer with lotsa cute pins!
- my little black cat who sits in a pouch on my left hip! her name is Libby, short for Libido. she's my little pocket pussy ^-^
- getting proper leather and working that into my fits
- putting my fucking wallet on a thick biker chain so I never lose it again
- added stickers to my (work) laptop
- took the best picture of myself yet:
mental health
- I learned that the way I start my day has a huge impact on my day, so I found a morning routine that works really well for me!
- i've struggled, and I think gotten better, at maintaining focus during remote work hours, and maintaining work-life balance.
- i've done a lot of thinking and journaling on the topics in psychology reflections
- in May 2025 I: switched my HRT from pills to injections, and started adderall for ADHD! both of these have been helpful
- I've done more performing, streaming, jamming, and just chatting to the point where I rarely get the overwhelming social anxiety I used to get. I've exposure therapied the fuck outta that response by now lol
- i've spent a lot, lot** of time talking with various people about their emotions, my emotions, life, state of the world, etc.
- I learned some good lessons about:
- pouring too much emotional energy into people who hold incredibly different values
- identifying certain triggers to withdraw my standard opening empathy and lead with a boundary to negotiate
- overconfidence, believing I'm emotionally intelligent enough to "just handle" questionable dynamics or known faults without hurting others
events
chronologically:
- MAGFest 2025 in DC
- Vansire
- business trip to Budapest
- Chase Petra
- Poppy in Charlotte
- Caravan Palace (x2 across the northeast coast)
- Weebz n Wubz
- Cackalackycon (cybersecurity con in Raleigh)
- Nightmare Kart Arcade Cabinet launch party in NYC
- TWRP & NSP
- Ginger Root
- Cavetown + AJR in DC
- visited Philly for a week, met some cool gay people
- MCR in Philly
- Poppy again, this time with friends
- TWRP again, this time with friends
- business trip to Montreal
- actually my first house show ever, in Philly
- All Things Open conference
- Stardew Valley: Symphony of Seasons
- Magdalena Bay
- (hosted) Over the Garden Wall watch party
- Galactic Empire & Bit Brigade
other things i cannot legally or responsibly disclose on this public blog ;)
media, gaming, reading
- games:
- Stardew Valley, finished my playthrough (to start of Year 2)
- finished Celeste B & C sides, and eventually Chapter 9!
- Oneshot, played with my gf while trading voice lines
- Planet Crafter, with a friend
- Hollow Knight, blind playthrough
- reading:
- Harrow the Ninth, Nona the Ninth
- Welcome to Dorley Hall
- All About Love by bell hooks
- A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin
- Happy to Help by Amy Wilson
- Ancillary Justice (+ 2 more in series) by Ann Leckie
- halfway thru The Rust Book
- media:
- half of Adventure Time (halfway thru Season 5)
- lots of random cool YouTube finds
- rewatched my favorite show Steven Universe w/ my gf (her first watch)
- Steins;Gate
schedule
i fill my week with quite a lot! maybe others would find it helpful to see how I do it?
weekday routine: - 7am alarm - morning bodycare: brush hair, brush teeth, shower, clothes, make bed, 30 push-ups - ~8am out of bedroom for: cat care, Before Breakfast podcast, make breakfast, tea, light reading online (currently The Rust Book), affirmations - 9am work focus, sometimes mixed with household stuff lk dishes - 10am work focus - 12pm lunch - 1pm work focus - 6pm done, dinner - 7pm evening activities - 9pm practice music - 10:30 bed prep, crafts/reading
weekly shape: - Monday: standard workday, open evening - Tuesday: standard workday, 6pm household dinner, rest of evening open - Wednesday: morning routine, ~12pm head into office for catered lunch. afternoon co-working at office with gf. 8pm gaming stream - Thursday: standard workday, except ~4pm therapy. 7pm pride band rehearsal, social afterwards, bedtime - Friday: standard workday, then music cult in evening - Saturday: open morning buffer, 12pm lunch, 1pm creative projects, 6pm dinner, 8pm harmonimation dev stream - Sunday: date day with my gf! just need to be back home by 9pm for music practice
new year's goals
plus a plan for how to accomplish each of them. a goal is nothing without a realistic strategy that fits in your day-to-day life!
I'm also going to write these on sticky notes on a goals board for regular inspiration :)
for your benefit, these are the notes I took from Laura Vanderkam's episode on new year's resolutions:
- would I do (some version of) this habit/goal on vacation?
- how to fit this goal/habit into regular life?
- for example, toothbrushing is: easy, reasonably pleasant, part of a routine, doesn't take much time, and can adapt
- habits - 3-7x a week
- structure, incentives
- regular reminders and energy boosts for things you want do. make it rewarding
- leave slack time, backups
- accountability partner, social structures
music, creative
- play more local live music
- I've been going to Triangle VGM jams for half a year now; I'm renewing my intention to show up early & often.
- I'm starting a small friend group jam session at my place most Friday nights!
- learn to play jazz piano
- I joined a local Pride Jazz Band on keys for the Jan-April cycle. I'm not currently a jazz keyboardist. Our first rehearsal (sight-reading) was rough. The social structure/anxiety is a strong motivator. I'm planning to practice most weeknights for an hour after work / before bed, at least till April.
- learn to play drums
- I bought a
Simmons Titan 50! I'm gonna be kinda busy learning jazz keys for a while, but I'll get it set up and mess around from time to time. - When jazz band winds down in April, I'm planning to switch my evening practice habit into drums for a while.
- I bought a
- release 3 full songs (covers or originals) on YT
- I have my Saturday afternoons blocked off for creative work, plus the Friday night music cult.
- I'm setting up a better quiet environment in my bedroom corner to sit down and record/produce anytime, instead of the old spot with cat noise. (they're super cute, but I realize their noises from collar/water bowl have made me avoidant of actually recording...)
- I already have some projects started, mostly needing more vocal recording.
- I'm really drawn to covers as a way to learn production & mixing skills, especially with some kind of genre-bending or re-instrumentation.
- release 5 piano arrangement renders on YT
- I already have plenty of backlog arrangements on musescore, I've already done one on my YT, I just need to sit down and run the workflow.
- I'll plan to do some of these in my Fri nights & Saturday afternoons.
- do a solo live looping open mic
- performance takes practice, and practice takes inspiration. I'm gonna have my looper out on my studio setup so I can just power on and try ideas as they come.
- I have a whole journal page of loopable songs to experiment with on Fridays & Saturdays. maybe these get recorded into covers too...
- harmonimation: implement basic piano "waterfall/synthesia" style visualization (like these)
- my ~weekly Saturday night dev streams have been good for consistent progress!
- I might also do some smaller dev bursts during weeknight evenings to keep up a continuous flow
- publish 10 blog posts
- Fri/Sat creative time
- lotsa queued journal pages. current life reflections, sharing things I'm learning, etc
fashion, self-expression
- 1-2x weekly routine to do a full fit+makeup (not just for events like last year)
- I'm planning on Wed (office day) & Thu (jazz band night)
- spruce up my battle blazer: secure/replace pins, sew on patches
- hm I need to find/order patches. i'll ask some friends...
- good activity for around bedtime!
- get/try a few items on my list: bras, newsboy cap, utility belt
- online ordering around bedtime, trying them on for weekly fashion fits
- make 10 kandi bracelets
- I've made some before, but I stopped because of the sensory distress from getting superglue on my hands. I have craft tweezers on the way now!
- yet another good bedtime activity :)
gaming, reading, media
- play 3 full games from my backlog
- during my ~weekly gaming streams!
- probably some combination of: Inscryption (~20hr, already started), Disco Elysium (~40hr), SIgnalis (~10hr), Fallout: New Vegas (~60hr)
- finish 3 fiction books
- finish 3 non-fiction books
- (both) bedtime book stack next to my nightstand, plus audiobooks in car
- finish watching adventure time
- during lunch/dinner!
- finish The Good Place before current lease ends!
- bother roommates abt it on Tuesday
house, self
- put up posters I ordered frames for over a year ago and have only partially assembled
- ... once I move into a new place in June ...
- assemble the posters before May, during household hangouts
- assemble inspiration/goals boards!
- parts already gathered; assemble during bedtime crafts
end
MAGFest 2026
oh hey, ty for checking out this post. if you wanna chat about any ideas, suggestions, reactions, etc, feel free to @ me on bluesky or DM me if you know me elsewhere. I spent probably ~10 hours today working on this post, along with related journaling / organizing / etc. I'd love to talk!
be kind to yourself
focus on what works day-to-day, drop the baggage
with the right plan & environment, you are capable of more than you know.
surround yourself with inspirations and friends
the only thing that matters is what you choose to do in this very moment
you are wonderful and inspiring. i love you. now go live the fuck outta your life